[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”