Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

This is the one

financial planner: ok, and if you DON’T discover a lost van gogh at a garage sale?

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Living the best life.. 😊

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Möther may I have a snäck

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.