Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.