@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

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@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@TweetPotato314

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

@pilau

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@michamontaz

Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@Zwolf666

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.