[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.