I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.