Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

We’ve all been there

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.