Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

My biological clock is wheezing.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.