*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

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Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.


my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth


I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace


[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*


*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*



I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?


We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.


If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*