@CulturedRuffian

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

@tweetsbyrocket

advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-

king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

@TheHyyyype

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

@TheChalupa1

FYI guys, women don’t like it when you start rubbing a magic eraser on them during an argument

@MissHavisham

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.