*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.