Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*