ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-
king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
FYI guys, women don’t like it when you start rubbing a magic eraser on them during an argument
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The stickier the better.
My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.