Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Have kids, they said

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys