[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Going into Monday like
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.