Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

ㅤ

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.