[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
These aliens are taking forever.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The Birdles
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My dog ate my work from home.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.