Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.