[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.