[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I only treason on days ending in y
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock