[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
he chose this
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.