Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

…u ok Nintendo?

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.