At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Barbie gone wild
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
War & Peace
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.