At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
How high do the levels go?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.