[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination