[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Happy Caturday!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”