[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
aesthetic
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
this is the news I live for
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors