[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.