[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT