[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
How high do the levels go?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.