Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no