Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I want this so bad

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.