Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

finally found a reasonable question

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

hmmmmmm

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Yup