At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
🤣😂🤣😂
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.