Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

S M O L

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!