{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You Might Also Like
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
im 7 sauces long
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Rooting for the overdog
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.