I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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*pronounces patio like ratio
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now