ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*