Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda