Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Generation gap…

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

The Compass

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?