Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

This sounds bad:

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Confused owl: What?!

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options