Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

The Eggorcist

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Me when I try to be useful

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

My love language is deader than Latin

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

no their not

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all