Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

was Jim off killing horses or…

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”