Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

This makes total sense…

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.