Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.