Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.