[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
