[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.