Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Who did it better?

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90