Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EVpq6CLU4AEyfCy.mp4

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

😂

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Grew big

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm