Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.