Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”