at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.