at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I bet birds love this building.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?