at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Every work call, he judges.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.