Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

Orange cat behavior 😂

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

I need better friends

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?