Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

I have two kinds of followers

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password