[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My therapist after every session
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
