At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Not messing around
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”