Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner