A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature
Picture me eating dinner.
Even more backup dancers.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“So send me a picture of you…”
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[doctor gets job as 911 operator]
“What’s your emergency?”
MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE
“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.