@Robert_Beau

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

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@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@grifteezy

Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@OffTheHutch

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@NicestHippo

[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE

“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.