At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My first son he is wonderful
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?