Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

hmmm

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.