Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Finally! 😈

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill