[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
You Might Also Like
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Cheer up.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.