@pilau

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

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@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@PrincessAlexx_

Sending 17 text messages explaining why you’re not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.

@envydatropic

Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@Gupton68

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@huntigula

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly