[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet