[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
finally found a reasonable question
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?