[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
You Might Also Like
need a new bf mines broken 😐
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
moms in horror movies
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.