[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants