[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!