[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
pat pat
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
My background check bounced.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
How dramatic are you?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
This forever.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America