*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
had to share :’)
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
dead inside
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert