*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Twitter is an abusement park.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU