*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.