Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Art by Pastelkatto

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.