Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

We avoided this particular disaster

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*