Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.