Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

This is always good for a laugh.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.