Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*